NEW BRAUNFELS, TX — In the wake of many popular retail chains, restaurants, and merchandise vendors falling to the ever-growing trend of woke ideology, conservatives nationwide have hastily holed themselves up at a local Buc-ee's to make their last stand.

"This is it! The last outpost of freedom!" shouted Derek Johnson, spokesperson for the large group of patriots barricaded atop the fortified roof of Buc-ee's. "We tried so hard to hold on against the rainbow onslaught, but it's all come down to this. America's survival now depends on holding Buc-ee's. You'll never take us alive, you woke commies!"

"Fall back! Fall back! Retreat to Buc-ee's!" conservative citizens were heard shouting to one another as a rainbow flag was raised above a nearby Chick-fil-A. The group quickly converted the Buc-ee's location into a makeshift compound, with barriers being erected along the property's perimeter and armed sentries waving American flags as they patrolled the store's roof. "If they come for Buc-ee's, they'll have to do it over our dead bodies," Johnson said sternly in between bites of Beaver Nuggets. "Fortunately, we have everything we could possibly need right here. Food, clothes, car washes, and ridiculously clean restrooms. We're fully prepared to rebuild American society right here."

At publishing time, the defiant group of survivors was reportedly still taking in weary conservative refugees from around the country even as rainbow-clad militants were seen gathering outside the gates.

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