LITTLE ROCK, AR — Local woman Carissa Stewart passed away suddenly today, tragically crushed when she upset the delicately constructed tower of Starbucks cups in her car.
"I knew it. I knew that tower couldn't hold," said her grief-stricken husband Michael. "She sure did love that grande frappucino though. Never went anywhere without one! I mean...obviously."
Paramedics arrived on the scene to find Mrs. Stewart covered in 243 individual Starbucks cups, still clutching the final drink. "Remarkably, the coffee in that last cup was still 14,000 degrees when we pulled her out," said medic Robby Scott. "The rookie got second degree burns trying to wrestle it out of her rigor mortis grip. Sad stuff, though. Third lady we've lost to a coffee cup mountain this month."
Although in most other respects a disciplined woman, Mrs. Stewart had not removed a coffee cup from her car in over seven years. "Our house is spotless. There's just something about those darn coffee cups," said Mr. Stewart. "I offered so many times to make her drink at home in a thermos. It was just a few ounces of badly burnt coffee hidden under a mountain of cream and sugar."
At publishing time, the coroner had ruled the death "accidental asphyxiation by extremely poor taste."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
