You can tell a lot about a person by which character they use in Super Smash Bros.
Our team of investigative reporters spoke with several celebrities, experts, pastors, politicians, and more, all in search of an answer to the question, "So, like, who do you main in Smash Bros.?"
This is what they said.
- Trump: "Donkey Kong. He has these tremendous, very large hands. Just like my large hands. Plus, he's a monkey. Monkeys are funny. Everyone says so."
- John MacArthur: "Samus. In an age of feminism and compromise, Samus shows us that it's still OK to be a strong, independent man. He's great."
- Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: "Smash Brothers? BROTHERS?! REEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
- Dr. Fauci: "Dr. Mario is great, because he just chucks pills at people, forcing them to take medical treatments they don't want. A valued member of the medical and scientific community."
- Ken Ham: "Yoshi, a dinosaur who was ridden by humans, is a God-given reminder that the Earth was created just a few thousand years ago and that dinosaurs could be used as construction cranes and what not. Also, it's hilarious to eat your friends and poop them out as eggs right over the side of Final Destination. Classic."
- Elon Musk: "R.O.B., whom I've reprogrammed with Neuralink to control with my mind and take over the world. He's completely carbon-neutral and anti-woke. Plus, he blows up his victims with laser attacks. PEW PEW PEW!"
- Barack Obama: "A Mii fighter designed to look like me, of course. Man, I love me."
- Joel Osteen: "I play as Daisy because she's so friendly. I want to reach out to people and simply say, 'Hi, I'm Daisy!' and let the blessings flow."
- Joe Biden: "Princess Peach with that beautiful, full head of hair, man, oh, man, Jack, I tried to get in close and get a good whiff, but she's a character on the ol' tube and I just ran into it and my handlers told me to go back to the fake White House but I got lost and man now I have no idea where I am, Jack!"
- President Xi: [via translator] "Mr. Game & Watch has a bell taunt that I use to bring my foes to their knees in an incredible act of dominance."
- Chris Pratt: "I main Mario because I look and sound exactly like him. Mama mia!"
- Dan Crenshaw: "Smash Bros., huh? Snake is my go-to because he is an unwitting tool of the military-industrial complex. Like me."
- Pope Francis: "Bayonetta è piuttosto cool."
- Rowan Atkinson: "I've spent an intense three years training for EVO 2022 with Fox McCloud."
- Vladimir Putin: "I am Hero. I slay many slimes."
- Thomas Massie: "I thought we were here to talk about Biden's obvious dereliction of duty in securing the border. Uh, Marth, I guess."
- Kim Jong-un: "Sub-Zero. Beat all. Many wins."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
