GREENVILLE, SC - According to sources, local wife Kaitlyn Vargas had to delay meal preparation at her home this evening in order to don a military-style bomb suit before opening a pressurized can of Pillsbury biscuits.
"Yeah, I've been opening these things for years. I take no chances when it comes to opening a can of biscuits," she said. "The concussive blast and loud 'POP' from the last time I opened one gave me PTSD. Sometimes, it takes me hours to work up the courage." Her eyes then glazed over and she looked far off as if reliving a horrible distant memory.
Witnesses say she reentered the kitchen dressed head to toe in thick Kevlar and wearing a shrapnel-proof helmet before just staring down the can for several minutes.
After finally building up some courage, she slowly began peeling back the paper on the outside of the can - as slowly as possible - as sweat began to drip down her forehead.
"This is the part where it gets really dangerous. Literally, I could die right now."
Just then, a car door slammed outside causing her to let out a loud "EEEEEEEKKK" and drop the can.
"Yeah - I can't do this," she said as she removed the bomb suit. "I'm just gonna make my husband do it when he gets home."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
