Wife Dresses In Bomb Suit To Open Pressurized Biscuit Canister
Life · Mar 9, 2022 · BabylonBee.com

GREENVILLE, SC - According to sources, local wife Kaitlyn Vargas had to delay meal preparation at her home this evening in order to don a military-style bomb suit before opening a pressurized can of Pillsbury biscuits. 

"Yeah, I've been opening these things for years. I take no chances when it comes to opening a can of biscuits," she said. "The concussive blast and loud 'POP' from the last time I opened one gave me PTSD. Sometimes, it takes me hours to work up the courage." Her eyes then glazed over and she looked far off as if reliving a horrible distant memory.  

Witnesses say she reentered the kitchen dressed head to toe in thick Kevlar and wearing a shrapnel-proof helmet before just staring down the can for several minutes. 

After finally building up some courage, she slowly began peeling back the paper on the outside of the can - as slowly as possible - as sweat began to drip down her forehead. 

"This is the part where it gets really dangerous. Literally, I could die right now." 

Just then, a car door slammed outside causing her to let out a loud "EEEEEEEKKK" and drop the can. 

"Yeah - I can't do this," she said as she removed the bomb suit. "I'm just gonna make my husband do it when he gets home."


FBI agents Scoulder and Mully hold a press conference where they reveal the incriminating evidence found in Trump's safe. This raid was definitely justified.

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