MINNEAPOLIS, MN — One solitary housewife has announced her personal boycott of Target, a move that is expected to cost the retail giant millions of dollars in revenue each year. Company executives are reportedly already scrambling to find solutions to deal with the financial fallout from this one woman's boycott.
"This could potentially ruin us," said Target Chairman and CEO, Brian Cornell. "This one woman is responsible for contributing millions of dollars to our bottom line every single year. Her boycott could lead to irreparable damage to our financial standing. It's bad."
The woman, Katie Krasick of Lee's Summit, Missouri, launched the boycott due to concerns over Target's politically divisive campaigns. "I don't agree with what they're trying to push on people," she said when reached for comment. "Everyone has their views and opinions, and I love me some Joanna Gaines dish towels, but trying to indoctrinate kids into changing their gender outweighs any desire I have to continue single-handedly funding their company."
Target's corporate leadership had convened emergency meetings to discuss what could be done to offset the damage. "We're looking at multiple options," said one executive who requested anonymity. "One potential strategy would be to offer free coupons for drag queen story hours at local libraries with the purchase of any article of children's clothing. That should smooth things over with this lady."
At publishing time, Katie was staunchly committed to continuing her boycott, even if it meant not using the hundreds of thousands of rewards points she's racked up on her Target card. Katie's husband, Kurt, however, was rumored to be lobbying Target to keep up their current marketing strategies with the hope of making his wife's boycott permanent.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!