Many people are familiar with Dante's famous "9 Circles of Hell," where different categories of pitiful souls spend eternity in horrific torment for their sins. Still, the ones he wrote about may seem a little outdated for modern readers. It's been 700 years since we learned who was hanging out in each circle of Hell in Dante's Inferno, and Hades has added quite a few souls!
After extensive investigation, The Babylon Bee has discovered the following updated list of who will be cast into Dante's 9 Circles of Hell:
Level 1: People who use talk-to-text in public.
Punishment: Condemned to spend eternity next to a woman screaming "NO, I SAID SLUSHY! SLUSHY!"
Level 2: Anyone who asks "Workin' hard or hardly workin'?"
Punishment: They will endure the unending awkward silence their joke deserves.
Level 3: People who don't return their shopping carts to the corral.
Punishment: Not fit for print.
Level 4: Makers of single-ply toilet paper.
Punishment: They shall be forced to use their own product while eating only Taco Bell.
Level 5: People who add a chorus to "Amazing Grace."
Punishment: They shall be sentenced to an eternity of hearing "Waymaker" on an endless loop.
Level 6: Everyone from Chile, strangely.
Punishment: The consequences will fit their crime, whatever it is. That's between them and God.
Level 7: The inventor of the recorder.
Punishment: May this person burn in everlasting fire while listening to a young child attempt to play "Mary Had a Little Lamb."
Level 8: Steve.
Punishment: There may not be a fire hot enough for what he deserves.
Level 9: The TSA agent at George Bush Intercontinental Airport, Terminal B, who yelled, "YOU!! KEEP YOUR BELT ON! BELT ON!!", right where everyone could see who she was talking to, not more than fifteen seconds after saying, "Please remove your belt and any other accessories."
Punishment: TSA pat down for ALL OF ETERNITY.
Woe to those wretched souls who fall into any of these categories!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
