WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House explained today that President Biden's horrific sunburn occurred due to him spreading mayonnaise on his face instead of his ham sandwich, a snafu that could happen to anyone of any cognitive ability.
"We've all been there, right?" asked Karine Jean-Pierre to the White House Press Corps. "You've just finished applying the last touches of sunscreen to your ear lobes and realize -- oh shucks! I'm covered in Hellman's mayo! It happens to the best of us."
President Biden reportedly applied an entire jar of mayonnaise before laying out on the beach for 13 straight hours, broken up only by a lunch break where he devoured a sandwich covered in suntan lotion. "Spread it on!" said Biden as he put layers of lotion onto his square of wheat bread. "Ah, nothing like the beach and a sammy. Mm, delicious!" exclaimed Biden, before stuffing the entire thing in his mouth and reapplying an extra coat of mayo to his face.
According to the White House physician, the mayonnaise served as a sort of basting sauce and cooked the President to a safe internal temperature of 165 degrees. "The mayo served as an ideal insulation for heat, allowing the President to roast to an even temperature all over," reported Dr. Kevin O'Connor. "His skin is crispy, but the white meat still retained plenty of moisture. The effect of sixteen ounces of suntan lotion on his colon remains to be seen."
At publishing time, the spectacular effect of sixteen ounces of suntan lotion on Biden's colon had at last been seen.
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