WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a tragic development, the White House attempting to walk back the statement that no one is walking back statements has ripped open a hole in the space-time continuum, annihilating the White House Press Briefing room.
"Let me take a moment to circle back to President Biden's statement that no one is walking back statements," said Press Secretary Jen Psaki. "We are going to walk back that statement. Now this current statement we promise will not be walked back, so you can trust the not-walking-back of this walk-back of not walking ba-OH MY GOSH WHAT IS THAT?!" screamed Psaki as space and time began to fold in on itself.
Journalists were rapidly sucked into the developing abyss, followed by Psaki herself. Peter Doocy bravely lunged directly into the black hole to save Psaki, his one true love. Sadly, lunging into black holes never works out well, and Doocy was immediately crushed.
At publishing time, writers for the Babylon Bee were bracing themselves for the onslaught of nerds telling them how 'ackshually' holes in space-time aren't real or whatever.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
