SPRINGFIELD, OH — U.S. military cargo planes airdropped crates full of cats over Springfield on Thursday in a strategic response authorized by President Joe Biden to aid residents in light of the ongoing Haitian immigration crisis.
"Problem solved," Biden said, departing for Rehoboth Beach in celebration.
The airdrops began early this morning, just before dawn. Lieutenant Colonel Dick Kraven said of Operation Land On Their Feet, "We dropped over a hundred crates full of felines in strategic locations throughout the city in a concerted effort to replenish the local cat supply. Unfortunately, the large number of cats attracted wild coyotes and additional Haitian immigrants to the area."
The Babylon Bee has learned that Pentagon officials are disheartened by what they are calling an "unmitigated disaster" worse than Biden's disastrous withdrawal from Afghanistan.
"All the cats are dead," reported General David Allvin, Chief of Staff of the United States Air Force. "Our follow-up crates full of scratching posts are useless."
NIAID Director Dr. Anthony Fauci said the event was not a terrible waste because they received vital data. "We can now say for certain that cats do not have nine lives," he said. "This is a game changer."
At publishing time, President Biden considered throwing more cats at the problem.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
