CEDAR RAPIDS, IA — A local couple reached an important milestone in the homeschool education of their children today as they found themselves Googling ‘military boarding schools.'
Barely more than a month after excitedly embarking on what they expected to be a challenging but rewarding experience of homeschooling their four kids, Gary and Becky Starnes had been met with a cold dose of harsh reality, leading them to search the internet for military boarding schools nearby.
"It's this, or we go mouth-frothingly insane," Gary whispered to his wife as they scanned the Google results. "I know we said we wanted to homeschool, but seriously, how do people do this? Ethan ate an entire bag of dog food yesterday while we were trying to get Katie down from the top of the china cabinet, and Chandler threatened to run away. And that was just the stuff that happened before breakfast!"
Becky reluctantly agreed. "It's not that I don't want them home all day," she said. "It's just… they're like animals. Wild, uncivilized, unpredictable animals. Homeschooling is all the rage, and those Instagram moms make it all look so easy, but… I don't know what else to do. Maybe shipping your kids off to be educated at a military boarding school that is basically a minimum-security prison will be the new thing. We can start that trend!"
At publishing time, Gary and Becky were continuing to peruse the search results while their children kindled a small campfire in the middle of the family's playroom.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
