WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the media continued to scrutinize visitor logs from Joe Biden's presidency, the White House issued a denial today that a taxidermist visited to stuff and preserve the president.
Investigative journalists believed they had discovered a recent entry in the White House visitor logs that indicated a leading taxidermist spent time with President Biden, forcing administration officials to publicly debunk claims that Biden had been stuffed.
"He has always looked this lifelike," said gay and black White House Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre, who is black and gay. "Yes, the president stands very still, rarely blinks his eyes, fails to make a sound for hours at a time, and sometimes has to be carried from one room to the next, but he is very much alive and has not been artificially preserved just to hold on to any remaining chance that he could be re-elected in November. That would be ridiculous. Moving on."
Though the White House's official statement was adamant that the president was still alive, one administration insider did not deny the report. "He does seem pretty stiff for a living human," the source said. "They wheel him around here on a dolly sometimes. There was a lot of sawdust in the West Wing yesterday, and I heard Jill complimenting someone on how real Joe looked. Who knows."
At publishing time, the White House also denied reports that Jill Biden had requested to have Joe mounted in a lifelike position on the wall of the Lincoln Bedroom.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
