WASHINGTON, D.C. - Jen Psaki has recently announced she will be resigning from her position as White House Press Secretary, immediately sparking discussion of who will replace her. The White House has announced that a last-minute job candidate, Grima Wormtongue, has swooped in, claiming himself to be perfect for the position.
"I have personally been requested by his Lordship - I mean by President Joe Biden to speak on his behalf," hissed Grima Wormtongue while addressing the press. "I have had many, many conversations with the President so I know his thoughts quite well."
When Wormtongue was asked basic questions about how Joe Biden planned on addressing today's current crises he grew frustrated saying, "Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind? Can't you see President Biden doesn't have time for such prattle?"
At publishing time, just as Wormtongue was explaining Biden's plan to do nothing to address inflation, gas prices, and America's overall decline, he was interrupted by Peter Doocy charging forward. "His microphone! His microphone! I told you to take it from him, you fools! Now he can ask questions his Presidentship wishes not to hear!"
Wormtongue then cleverly deflected the questions by promising to "circle back."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
