WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House is claiming that illegal immigration is now down over 90% thanks to them redefining what illegal immigration is.
"The President's policy of making up fake words, definitions, and stats has had a real, positive impact at the border," said black gay Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "Since reality itself bends to the will of whoever has the power to define it, we have been able to decrease illegal immigration drastically. We just decided that. With our words. Hooray for us!"
Experts were unsure how the numbers show a decrease in illegal immigration since unlawful border crossings are at record levels, amounting to an unprecedented humanitarian disaster. The experts quickly changed their minds, however, when they realized that the definition of "illegal immigration" had been changed by the Biden Administration. "This is genius!" said one expert.
At publishing time, the administration had also announced a record 100% approval rating after redefining the meaning of the word "approve."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
