WASHINGTON, D.C. - Wearing a huge foam finger saying 'KILL KILL KILL', Senator Chuck Schumer questioned today how someone could have possibly gotten the idea that violence against judges was acceptable.
"Boy, I just can't fathom where people would get such a notion," said Schumer as he prepared to burn Kavanaugh in effigy. "Really, it's a shock. This is my shocked face," continued Schumer, using his giant foam finger to point protesters towards Justice Barrett's house.
After eighteen months of screaming about politicians' inflammatory rhetoric leading to violence, the assassination attempt on Justice Kavanaugh has left Democrats puzzled. "It's hard to fathom," said Elizabeth Warren as she tossed tomahawks at a Justice Thomas poster. "We called for revolution, claimed women's lives were at stake, and warned judges they would pay a terrible price - all clearly peaceful, nothing like the bad orange man! How could our supporters have turned violent?"
Democrats are reportedly hoping the assassination attempt does not distract from their condemnation of inciting political violence. "The timing of the attempted murder is such a bummer for us," said Schumer. "All you liberals out there, please - NO more trying to assassinate judges until the January 6th hearings are over, ok? Don't screw this up for us."
At publishing time, Black Lives Matter leaders were demanding to know how Americans could have gotten the idea that violent riots were an acceptable form of political expression.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
