MOSCOW — In a recent excursion to Russia, former Fox News host Tucker Carlson found himself in a state of bewildered amazement upon encountering a grocery store's automatic sliding doors.
As he approached the Russian grocery, Perekrestok, Carlson was caught off guard by the automatic sliding doors at the entrance. Witnesses report that Carlson stood frozen in his tracks, his eyes wide with fear and astonishment as the doors parted seamlessly before him.
"Do mine eyes deceive me? What is this dark magic?" Carlson reportedly exclaimed, narrowly saving a member of his film crew from the mystical door's clutches. "The doors move, and yet no one moves them! This is clearly some sort of ancient sorcery, possibly even alien, no doubt. How long has the U.S. government been hiding this power from us?"
Sources close to Carlson suggest he spent several minutes throwing objects at the doors, stepping back and forth through, and marveling at their seemingly impossible operation.
"No one ever tells you about the stuff that's here in Russia. But that's why we're here and asking questions," said Tucker. "Is there a logical explanation for this door or is this some foul magic that wants to steal your soul? We don't know, we'll let you, the viewers back home, decide."
At publishing time, Tucker Carlson was finally located after having been missing for hours after entering the public restroom with an automatic sink and paper towel dispenser.
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