WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress issued a dire warning to the American people Friday, sternly reminding voters that if they do not keep sending billions of tax dollars to Ukraine, the war might end.
"This is America. We can't let this happen," said Senator Chuck Schumer in a press conference. "Our donors at Lockheed Martin, General Dynamic, Teledyne, Raytheon, Boeing, Northrop Grumman, and Burisma are running out of patience. If we don't inject their weapon supply chains with fresh cash immediately, Ukraine and Russia might be forced to broker a peace deal."
"I shudder at the thought."
Foreign policy experts concurred that essential defense contractors and Ukrainian shell companies will run out of money to launder within a few weeks, which might force the hands of Russian and Ukrainian leaders to sign a peace treaty and stop slaughtering each other.
"I don't want to imagine a world where people on the other side of the globe aren't killing each other with American weapons," said Secretary of State Blinken. "I urge Congress to put aside their differences and support this endless war. For America."
At publishing time, Republicans had shown willingness to send more funding to Ukraine in exchange for a promise of future conversations to plan potential negotiations to secure the southern border maybe someday.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
