HELL-The Prince Of Darkness welcomed a man to Hell this week who spent a good portion of his time on earth knocking on public bathroom stall doors to see if they were occupied.
"Well, done, Dave Smith," The Devil told his new resident. "You have performed a valuable task in moving along my work of darkness. Knocking on a public bathroom stall is up there with just about the most egregious transgression I can think of. Way to nail it, welcome to Hell."
During his mortal existence, Smith had been seen knocking on public restroom doors and was even occasionally heard asking, "Anyone in there?" Many humans cite this behavior on about the same plane of evil as murder and talking with your cell phone on speakerphone in public.
"I didn't realize what I was doing was so odious," Smith said. "But looking back, I can see how some people might be a little annoyed...even enraged, maybe, to be sitting in solace and suddenly someone gives a little tap tap tap on the stall door. I dunno. I guess I should have just waited for a minute before knocking."
As of publishing time, Satan has also welcomed a host of Instagram influencers who took selfies of themselves in public and the guy you work with who's always asking you if you're working hard or hardly working.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
