LAS VEGAS, NV — Despite the fact that Halloween ended last night, unemployed political activist Colin Kaepernick was still seen this morning pretending to be a football player.
The former San Francisco 49er walked through Whole Foods in football gear, forlornly placing a bag of Caeser salad in his shopping cart. "Hey there, sir. Dressed up for a late Halloween party?" asked the cashier as Kaepernick came to the checkout aisle. Though there was no response, the cashier attempted to carry on the conversation. "Looks really good though! Your costume, I mean. Pretending to be a football player?"
Kaepernick sighed before paying for his items and walking out into the parking lot. Witnesses reported seeing a passing car stop as he was loading his groceries into his vehicle. "Hey, didn't you hear? Trick-or-treating was last night! Ha ha!" taunted one of the vehicle's occupants. "Yeah, only total losers wear their costumes the day after Halloween!" Kaepernick, having heard enough, reportedly attempted to rifle a loaf of bread at the mocking driver, but his errant throw was intercepted by a grocery store employee.
At publishing time, other witnesses reported seeing Kaepernick knocking on the door of Allegiant Stadium to ask the Raiders if they had any candy left over and also if they were maybe looking for a quarterback.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
