WAUKESHA, WI—The 2010 Ford Escape crossover SUV that killed six people and injured many others during a Christmas parade last week on its own accord without the input of any human being whatsoever was charged with six counts of murder, sources confirmed over the weekend.
The vehicle was charged with multiple murder counts during a solemn court hearing Friday and was subsequently transferred to the county jail with bail set at a hefty $1,000,000. The charges came after investigators confirmed the SUV acted alone on its own accord without any accomplices.
"Rest assured -- we will hold this dastardly SUV accountable," said a Waukesha prosecutor. "What this vehicle did to those victims is unconscionable. We will be throwing the book at this car to make sure it can never strike again. Justice will be served, and the people of our city will be able to rest easy knowing that this 2010 Ford Escape is behind bars for good."
Prosecutors may even be seeking the ultimate penalty for the car, sending it to the salvage yard to be compacted into a metal cube, ending its life and its reign of terror forever.
"May God have mercy on this SUV's soul."
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.