KYIV, UKRAINE — The United States has solved the crisis in Ukraine after Congress voted to install a "gun-free zone" sign in Ukraine. The sign is expected to put an end to the Russia-Ukraine crisis, which began in 2014 with fighting in isolated regions before escalating to a full-scale land invasion of Ukraine in February 2022.

"Welp, I guess it's over," said one Russian general in Crimea. "The sign is very clear, comrades. There's no way of getting around this. Time to go back home!"

"This is a big win for peace," said Chris Murphy, the junior Democratic Party senator from Connecticut. "These signs will put a stop to all fighting in Ukraine and restore stability to the region, just like they do in downtown Chicago."

Some in Congress feel like the sign is just a start. "The sign is fine. And I cosponsored it, by the way," said Congresswoman AOC. "But what about artillery and tanks? We need signs that say 'Artillery-And-Tank-Free Zone' as well. Also, the sign should have a pride flag on it for inclusivity."

The 3-foot by 5-foot steel sign was built in Detroit, Michigan, and transported to Kiev, the capital of Ukraine, by a team of United States Navy SEALs. The team was fired upon by Russian fighters as the SEALs left after completing the mission.

At publishing time, fighting resumed after a Ukrainian tank inadvertently shot a tank round through the word "free."

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.