U.S.—With the bloodiest days of fighting behind them, the opposing sides in the War on Christmas have agreed to an uneasy ceasefire, set to expire on November 1 of next year, sources near the front lines confirmed Thursday.
“We gained a lot of ground, but the enemy still controls vast swaths of territory,” General Pat Robertson told reporters as he pointed to a map indicating where Christ had been put back in Christmas and where the holiday had fallen to politically correct culture warriors. “We’ll abide by the truce until the agreed upon time, and then the gloves are really going to come off.”
Showing off his vast arsenal of armored nativity scene pillboxes, ornament grenades, and candy-cane machine guns, Robertson then led journalists on an exclusive tour of the Christians’ headquarters, complete with a stop at the army’s state-of-the-art training facility, where new warriors are sent to head out to the front lines each day.
The seasoned War on Christmas veteran also hinted that his team of special operatives would be targeting key liberal strongholds like New York and Los Angeles in an all-out assault beginning the first of November at midnight.
“Some of our plans are top secret of course, but if there are any libbie pagans listening, be warned: we’re coming for you. Look to the skies next CHRISTmas season.”