Wandering Israelites Getting Real Tired Of Guy Who Keeps Saying, 'At Least We're Getting Our Steps In'
Scripture · Sep 27, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

SINAI — As they wandered the wilderness, the Israelites brought complaints to Moses about their lack of food, water, and the guy who kept saying, "At least we're getting our steps in!"

"Isn't this great, guys?" Eldad asked, oblivious to the lament of his fellow Israelites. "I'm topping the leaderboard of all the Fitbit friends I have back in Egypt. Totally smoking those guys!"

And the people complained in the hearing of the Lord about their misfortunes, but mostly about Eldad because he was excruciatingly positive.

"Would that Eldad had been left back in Egypt!" cried out Emma, the maid. "Why did you save him, Moses? I want answers!"

At another time Eldad said, "Look at it this way, guys, we're getting so much exercise. I eat all the manna I want and don't put on a single pound!"

Upon reflection, Eldad also noted how great it was that he could spend so much time with everybody. "I didn't get to see half of you while I was busy making bricks. We had no time to talk. Ah, this is so great!"

At publishing time, the Spirit of God rested on Eldad and he prophesied in the midst of the camp, possibly as a credit to his positive attitude. But this just annoyed everyone even more.

Babylon Bee subscriber Uncle Crumpty contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction

Comments

There are 140 comments on this article.

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.