TEHRAN — Peace in the Middle East hit another major roadblock this week after Iranian officials issued a serious threat that they have a hidden strategic reserve of even more serious threats.
"You thought it was bad when we called you The Great Satan? Just wait until you see what's coming," threatened Almoud Rahmadon, Iran's lead negotiator. "You're going to feel so threatened. You'll be shaking in your boots like one of the 72 virgins waiting for me in paradise."
According to sources, the Pentagon moved to DEFCON 4 following the revelation that Iran may have a secret stash of threats hidden somewhere.
"They can hide whatever they want back there," warned President Trump. "They could call us all nerds. That would be an insane threat."
American delegates reportedly probed Iran for details on the strategic reserve, but came up short. "We have no idea if they're bluffing or not," said White House Special Envoy Steve Witkoff. "Their threats haven't been very good so far, which lends credence to the fact they have more in waiting somewhere."
U.S. intelligence has thus far been unable to confirm the existence of a reserve of serious threats in Iran, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. "Threats are much easier to store than uranium. It might just be a simple text file hiding on a computer," reported Major General Randolph Kane. "We just don't know. And that's what terrifies me."
At President Trump's order, the United States military has reportedly begun running drills about how to handle serious threats if America should receive any.
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