MELBOURNE — To stem the growing tide of violence against Jewish citizens, the Australian government has moved to officially ban the celebration of Hanukkah.
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese made the announcement in the wake of Islamic attacks on a public Hanukkah celebration, which Albanese believes prompted the killings.
"If Jews were not celebrating Hanukkah, this tragedy could have been prevented," said Albanese. "Some people don't want to blame Hanukkah, but let me ask you: did people get shot anywhere else except at the Hanukkah celebration? No. This is all because of Hanukkah. How many lives do we have to lose because of Hanukkah before we act?"
The Prime Minister then immediately issued an order officially banning Hanukkah, menorahs, Stars of David, and "anything else those people with the hats do to cause violence."
A few Australians pushed back on the decree as an infringement of religious liberty, but to no avail. "Sounds like someone is in league with Big Hannukah," responded Prime Minister Albanese to his critics. "I think it's disgusting that people would care more about their precious little holiday than saving lives. They're probably getting paid by Israel to say that."
At publishing time, Australia had announced they would go ahead and ban all religious celebrations other than Muslim, just to be safe.
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