WASHINGTON, D.C.—For years, Barack Obama has tried to take down his hated nemesis, the Little Sisters of the Poor, through legal means, but now that legal battle has come to an end, thanks to a 7-2 Supreme Court decision. “If the law is inadequate to force nuns to pay for abortifacients, then I must take things outside the law,” said Obama as he donned a homemade costume.
Calling himself the “Avenging Organizer,” Obama plans now to use vigilante justice against the nuns for using their religious beliefs to defy his health care law. Obama’s plan is to go out at night, strike terror in the hearts of nuns, and then steal their money and use it to buy lots of birth control. “It’s not as good as having the state force them to do it,” Obama said as he put a portable teleprompter in his utility belt, “but it will have to do.”
In his first attempt, Obama was beaten up pretty badly by the nuns, but he vows to try again. “Let me be clear,” Obama said as he held an ice pack to his eye, “justice is coming for them.”