PORTLAND, OR—The Pentagon's U.F.O. unit has been in the spotlight recently, and now the department is confirming that alien life has attempted to make contact with human civilization.
Unfortunately, the aliens landed in Portland, and after a brief period of observation, returned to their home planet to tell their overlords that there is no intelligent life on earth.
"There were primitive creatures of the species Doofus Antifus, but they were only able to communicate with screams at the sky," said Zlorboxxon Tttchul'azz'robobo after hailing his commander on the planet Graxon V. "They threw things, which seemed to indicate anger, but beyond that, we could not communicate with them in any meaningful fashion."
According to the alien, the locals saw the craft and screamed something about "White Soo Prem Acey" before trying to bash the aliens' brains in.
"This 'White Soo Prem Acey' seems to be a mythical demon they associated us with," Tttchul'azz'robobo reported. "They spray painted our craft and threw a brick at us." He indicated that the brick of course could not hurt their advanced craft, "but it still hurt my heart."
The aliens also reported that people on earth still watch soccer and believe the government can be a force for good. "So they're clearly still very primitive."
The people of Graxon V have been warned to keep at least 6,000 light-years away from Earth until humanity matures sometime in the next 10,000 years.
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