WASHINGTON, D.C. — Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard was forced to resign on Friday after President Donald Trump discovered that she's not blonde.
Trump reportedly gave Gabbard the option of bleaching her hair instead of resigning, but Gabbard declined.
"How did this happen?" asked a baffled Trump, looking at Gabbard's hair. "Why? I thought I gave very specific instructions to only hire blondes, only the best blondes, very attractive. She's not blonde at all, she... I don't know what she is, to be honest. Whoever hired her needs to be fired immediately. Unless they're very hot and blonde, then I guess they can stay."
Trump issued a formal apology to the nation for allowing "a brunette, or whatever she is" to work in the administration.
"We're going to fix this, and our intelligence community is going to be so much hotter, believe me," said Trump. "Our new intelligence director will be as hot as my lawyers, if you can believe it."
Gabbard publicly stated that she was stepping down due to her husband's health, though in private, she admitted that she just didn't want to dye her hair. "Trump said I had enough to work with otherwise if I would just get my hair bleached," said Gabbard. "It's really my signature thing, the little streak in my hair. I just didn't want to lose that."
At publishing time, Trump was disappointed to learn that Gabbard was also not a member of the X-Men.
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