GREENVILLE, SC — Sources revealed that the company-wide meeting scheduled today for all SynerTech employees was, in actuality, just for Phil.
All sixty-five employees at regional software company SynerTech Solutions were summoned into a mandatory company-wide meeting, but every oddly specific issue raised was only something that Phil does.
"We just want to go over a few reminders for everyone," said HR director Melissa Granger while maintaining unbroken eye contact with Phil. "For example, please remember not to reply with GIF reactions to client emails. Do not microwave the rainbow trout you caught in the break room. And if you lock yourself in the restroom again, please, please... everyone... do not try to get out by crawling through the ceiling tiles."
Witnesses confirmed the meeting became increasingly uncomfortable as management continued listing workplace issues that were all caused by Phil.
"I believe we've been over this before, but deodorant is required for all male employees," said Granger. "You are not allowed to talk to female employees about fantasy team names with inappropriate connotations. Let's take, for example, the name 'Wanna Phil You In The Air Tonight.' That hypothetical name would be out of bounds for conversation with the new female intern. These are just general rules for everyone to remember. This is for all employees, including Phil."
At publishing time, employees had been instructed to sign a new company conduct agreement that just said "I will not be like Phil."
Every hour a racist loses hope, will you help the Southern Poverty Law Center to help a racist in need?
