NEW BRITAIN, CT — Local tax preparer Frank MacArthur recently discovered an amazingly effective way to lose weight that makes simple use of crippling stress and anxiety.
MacArthur had already given up on shedding the 40 pounds his doctor told him to lose when he accidentally stumbled on the potent new weight loss system.
"The weight is just melting right off," said MacArthur as he sat consumed by the burden of his responsibilities. "There's something about spiraling into the depths of 24-hour tension and pressure that works like no other diet I've ever tried."
According to sources, MacArthur had already failed at numerous diets, including the Atkins diet, keto, paleo, the Mediterranean diet, intermittent fasting, the carnivore diet, veganism, and even a humiliating stint at Weight Watchers. After Ozempic caused too many side effects, he accidentally discovered the new soul-crushing weight loss system while working one of his 3 jobs.
"Everything I'm dealing with has really kicked my lack of appetite into gear," said the harried father of five. "Of course, I was already dabbling in crippling stress and anxiety, but the last couple of months of a jam-packed calendar and added obligations really got the pounds disappearing fast. I don't even feel like eating most of the time. Thanks, crippling stress and anxiety!"
At publishing time, MacArthur was within 20 pounds of his target weight, with his doctor recommending a stressful family vacation to burn off those last stubborn pounds.
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