DES MOINES, IA — After a tense end-of-month budgeting session, local couple Derek and Amanda Hollister confirmed on Friday that "throw pillows" had once again narrowly edged out "food" as the family's largest monthly expense.
According to sources inside the home, the couple spent roughly $1,842 on decorative pillows in April, surpassing their monthly grocery bill thanks to a last-minute purchase of two "distressed farmhouse accent cushions" that were described as "absolutely essential to the thematic integrity of the couch."
"At least it was close this month," said Mr. Hollister, surveying the family budget. "That last trip to Pottery Barn made the difference. It always does."
Though their friends and loved ones expressed concern over their spending habits, Mrs. Hollister has expressed no remorse. "Food is temporary. Pillows are forever," said Mrs. Hollister, while arranging 14 pillows in various shades of beige. "We can always eat later. But if the living room doesn't feel cozy, then what's even the point of eating?"
The couple's children pleaded for a change in priorities, but those pleas have fallen on deaf ears. "We tried telling Mom we were hungry," said 9-year-old Caleb Hollister. "But she just handed us a pillow that says ‘Live Laugh Love' and told us to be thankful."
At publishing time, a starving Mr. Hollister was last seen desperately gnawing on one the bed's rustic throw pillows for sustenance.
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