ONTARIO, CA — With the partial government shutdown still ongoing and no end in sight, local TSA employee Jeff Dormer said he had been keeping his skills sharp by groping a mannequin at home.
Over the course of his five-year employment with the TSA, Dormer had become a skilled groper — a skill he hoped to nurture and maintain while he was away.
"I have to be ready to return to work at any minute," Dormer said. "I can't lose the art of the grope."
Though many TSA agents had opted to return to work without pay with the hope that there would be a special bonus when the government reopens (such as with air traffic controllers last year), Dormer has called in sick every day. "If you're good at groping, never do it for free," he said.
However, just four days into the current shutdown, he began feeling the need to grope. He bought a mannequin online that same day to keep in shape.
"It's not weird at all," he insisted. "This is totally normal."
At publishing time, Dormer confirmed that his groping was in top form and he was happy to return to work and shout belligerently at travelers as soon as possible.
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