President Trump is officially back, delivering a truly action-packed first week in office. Here is a breakdown of Trump's incredible accomplishments over his first seven days, as told by the numbers:
34: Minutes Trump has slept since retaking office.
16: Average number of executive orders per minute (EOPM).
7 million: Gay people that Trump has already put into concentration camps.
933: Diet cokes consumed by our new President.
9.9: average attractiveness of Trump cabinet nominees (Hellooooo Tom Homan).
1 billion: People already deported to Mexico.
12: Sudoku puzzles completed by Trump while that L.A. Mayor was babbling.
900,000: Women caught by J.D. Vance not making a baby during their fertile period.
20 million: Delicious menthol cigarettes sold after the ban was lifted.
72: Dude prisoners who could not get their genitals chopped off at taxpayer expense.
2: Pardons received by people who have appeared in Babylon Bee films (also, one buffalo).
1: Gulf of water that got a huge name upgrade.
Zero: Craps given what the media thinks.
What a week -- we can't wait to see what the next seven days hold.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
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