WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Republicans and Democrats in Congress bickered over a fiscal relief plan, President Donald Trump held a press conference to unveil a much simpler plan. “IT’S A GIANT MONEY CANNON!” Trump exclaimed with excitement as he pulled out a giant bazooka-looking device. Trump then explained how it works. “It’s a huge cannon that fires money,” he said, followed by a long pause as reporters slowly realized that was the entirety of his explanation.
Seeing that everyone was confused, as reporters aren’t as smart as him, Trump added, “You load it up with trillions of dollars, and then it makes a giant boom and money flies everywhere all over the country. Biggest, loudest stimulus ever!” The idea is that after the cannon fires, everyone will scramble to collect as much money as they can -- while keeping six feet away from each other. Trump said it was guaranteed to get the economy humming, as cannons had never failed him in the past.
Democrats were skeptical of the plan, saying they weren’t sure of the environmental impact of such a cannon. Trump responded by saying he wished he had a cannon he could load all the Democrats into and “fire them into the sun.”