PHILADELPHIA, PA — Former President Donald Trump has just one strategy for Tuesday night's presidential debate against Kamala Harris: cede all his time and quietly play with his Original Tamagotchi digital pet.
"She can do whatever she wants. She will just say a bunch of dumb and not-very-smart things. It's very sad. Meanwhile, I've got a strange Japanese creature to raise," Trump said, letting slip his debate strategy during last week's Fox News Townhall. "He's the smartest virtual pet anyone has ever had, believe me. Haruto, I call him."
According to reports, Haruto goes everywhere with Trump. He feeds it, cleans up its waste, and even watches it sleep. Taking care of a Tamagotchi and raising it up in his own image has seemingly changed him more than this summer's assassination attempt.
Senior campaign advisor Alex Pfeiffer was initially hesitant when RFK, Jr. gifted Trump an aqua-colored Original Tamagotchi, but he's since come around. "That weird Japanese gadget keeps him busy," said senior advisor Alex Pfeiffer of Trump's close relationship with the digital pet. "I thought it was a problem at first, but it keeps him honest since he doesn't want to be a bad example for little Haruto. Having it with him on the debate stage will ensure he's on his best behavior."
The Harris campaign is reportedly in full damage control. Not only will Kamala Harris have to speak uninterrupted without a teleprompter for the duration of the debate, but she's become distracted by her newfound jealousy of Trump's Tamagotchi friend.
"I love you, Haruto," Trump whispered to the tiny gadget. "You're just tremendous. Way better than Eric."
At publishing time, Trump had been hit with a scandal over a rumor that he over-disciplines the Tamagotchi, sparking protests across the nation.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
