WASHINGTON, D.C. — The new administration continued to usher in a modern golden age for America, as President Donald Trump signed an executive order mandating second breakfast as an official meal.
Trump made the announcement to a gathering of reporters in the Oval Office Thursday morning and marked the historic occasion by sitting down to enjoy the ceremonial First Second Breakfast in White House history.
"We love our toast and jam, don't we folks?" Trump said as an aide laid out the second breakfast spread on the Resolute Desk. "Every American family should sit down for Second Breakfast on a daily basis. It's the second version of the most important meal of the day, which means it's just as important as First Breakfast, which is delicious. You can never have too much bacon. And pastries, so many very beautiful pastries. With filling. Always with filling."
Insiders said the executive order would extend to federal agencies and government-funded schools nationwide, mandating an official break to allow employees and students to partake in second breakfasts to hold them over until lunch. "This is part of President Trump's even larger, overarching agenda," said one administration source. "This is only the beginning. By 2028, our goal is to have Americans eating the full slate of seven Hobbit meals."
Administration officials refused to comment on reports that an additional executive order mandating elevensies was being targeted for the fall.
At publishing time, a Biden-appointed federal judge issued an emergency ruling declaring Trump's Second Breakfast mandate unconstitutional.
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