BEIJING — Diplomatic talks between the United States and China reportedly got off to an awkward start after President Donald Trump demanded to negotiate directly with General Tso.
Witnesses say Trump became increasingly frustrated when Chinese President Xi Jinping attempted to explain that General Tso was not a current military leader, and that the dish itself bears only a loose historical connection to a 19th-century military figure.
"Nice try," Trump replied. "But everyone knows that this Tso guy is the General, the mastermind. He is literally the most famous Chinese person of all time, he's even all over America, if you can believe it. I didn't come all this way to talk to you, Pooh Bear. It's the General or nothing."
The Chinese delegation attempted to redirect talks to trade, energy, and Iran, but to no avail. Sources in the Chinese camp say that Xi considered wearing a wig and introducing himself as General Tso, but ultimately felt the ruse was too high-risk.
"Whenever you locate your General, tell him I've got a fortune cookie for him," declared Trump. "It says 'You will soon find the little island nation you want is all covered with F-35s.' Ha! I can't wait to see the look on his little General face."
At publishing time, negotiations had stalled after Trump refused to leave the meeting room until someone brought him "the real General Tso."
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