WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of a finalized Ukrainian minerals deal, President Trump has reportedly received a nifty little geode he can show off to friends.
The United States-Ukraine Reconstruction Investment Fund, signed by Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent and Ukrainian Economy Minister Yulia Svyrdenko on Wednesday, gives the U.S. access to Ukraine's minerals in exchange for wiping out the debt between the nations and providing continued economic support. Trump also got a nifty geode out of the deal.
"Look at this thing. It's fantastic! Wow! A geode!" Trump said as he showed the nifty geode off to Vice President JD Vance. "You think it's going to be all rock and then — wow! — there's crystal inside. Real crystal, JD. Purple and sparkly. Unbelievable!"
The geode, which fits in the palm of Trump's hand, bears a striking resemblance to geodes seen at national park visitor center gift shops or new age stores across the country. But this one is from Ukraine and reportedly cost $174 billion.
"Putin would love to get his hands on this cool little geode," said Trump. "But he can't have it. It's mine. My geode!"
According to sources, the geode has been given a place of honor in the Oval Office where Trump can gaze upon it as he works out more incredible international deals.
Russian Security Council Deputy Chairman Dmitry Medvedev scoffed at the geode, calling it a mere trinket. "Putin has dozens of geodes. Hundreds! This deal means nothing to us."
At publishing time, Russian forces blitzed Kyiv in a concentrated effort to get Putin a shiny new geode.
Brynnleigh is on a mission to stop America from becoming… well, America.
