WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump had been looking forward to releasing all of the Epstein files in accordance with Congress's "Epstein Files Transparency Act", but reported that a dog actually ate the files, the dog was then lost in a boating accident, and then the boat was struck with a nuclear warhead.
After months of resistance, President Trump had thrown his support behind the most recent effort to release more Epstein files, only to see the files lost in a haze of ocean, dog, and nuclear fallout.
"It's the darndest thing," said Trump. "No one can believe it, least of all me. The dog, he was so big, there were so many files to eat, but he ate all of them. Then he got on a boat, and it's so sad, there was an accident, and the dog was lost. Really, a rough day for the pooch. Then, one of these nuclear bombs we were testing, it somehow struck the boat, really nuked it, if you know what I mean. It's disappointing. I wanted to clear my good name, my very good name as they say. I've been totally supportive of releasing all the files, so it's really too bad about the dog and the boat and the nuke."
At publishing time, the hard drives where the files had been stored were found to be broken beyond repair despite the best efforts of computer technician Hillalabab Clintonafi.
Congress is preparing to make some big changes!
