WASHINGTON, DC—Moments after offering an official presidential pardon to a turkey in the Rose Garden Tuesday, President Trump was informed the turkey he had pardoned had immigrated to America across the Mexican border seven years ago, prompting the President to immediately rescind his pardon.
The turkey’s stay of execution was instantly reversed as a nearby aide informed Trump of the bird’s nationality.
“That a turkey like this could just come across the border is a national security disaster. Total failure!” Trump tweeted after announcing the turkey would in fact be executed. “Crooked Dems have let this go on far too long. Time for change, TREMENDOUS change in the way we run our borders! Can’t have these wild Mexican turkeys stealing opportunities from American fowl!”
“Not good at all!” he tweeted later.
The now-executed turkey, Drumstick, had reportedly lived a quiet and productive life on a farm in the U.S for years, but was sentenced to die for Thanksgiving this year. Tapping a team of ACLU lawyers for his defense team, Drumstick appealed to the highest court in the land, gaining national attention before Trump intervened, agreeing to offer the turkey a pardon as part of an annual White House tradition.
The turkey is survived by his family, who are currently hiding in a sancutary city to avoid deportation or execution.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.