Politics
Trump Replaces Washington Monument With Giant Can Of Goya Beans

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Liberals have been complaining about the Washington Monument, which is named after the notorious racist George Washington. Well, Trump is now appeasing them, having taken down the century-old obelisk, replacing it with a 350-foot-tall can of Goya pinto beans.

The authentic Goya can is 350 feet tall and 200 feet wide and contains 82,252,607 gallons of beans.

"This is the largest can of Goya beans, maybe ever," said President Trump at the dedication ceremony. "Way bigger than some of the other countries' statues and monuments. This thing makes the Eiffel Tower look laughable. I mean that literally. You look at the Eiffel Tower and you just laugh. It's not even finished. You can still see the frame. And does it have beans? Well, maybe at that snooty French restaurant. But probably not. Probably not. They just have dumb French food like cheese with funny names and bread. Admittedly the bread smells pretty good, but it doesn't live up to that when you eat it. Always smells better than it tastes. Everyone says so."

Liberals tried to criticize the move but were unable to do so since they would be siding with George Washington. Plus, the optics of tearing down a monument to a Latino businessman would just be bad. "We've been played again," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. "This guy really is a genius."

Breaking: PayPal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.

There are 82 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.