WASHINGTON, D.C. - Unsatisfied with the amount of time the Mueller investigation has been taking and the quality of that investigation, President Trump has performed his own independent investigation of himself. He's now released the results of that inquiry, which he says found that he is the most innocent president ever - perhaps even the most innocent person in the entire world.
"I am the absolute best at not doing crimes," President Trump declared. "Way better than any previous president - some of whom I'm not even sure were born in this country. But I am very American and very not guilty of absolutely everything. That's what the investigation says."
Trump then described how he did the investigation. He put the absolute best mind on it - his own - and then to make sure he was independent, he tried to forget he knew himself. He said that was very hard since he is "the most famous person in the entire world." Trump then showed off the magnifying glass he used for the investigation as well as his "detective hat" - a deerstalker cap.
"So I looked and I looked, and I couldn't find any connection between me and Russia," Trump stated. He said that everyone around him is also innocent and that they are "the best people" except for a few who are "bums" and whom he'd only hired because he "felt sorry for them" and that they should all "go to prison for a long time." He ended by stating that his investigation was way better than Mueller's, which is now "stupid and pointless."
Special Counsel Robert Mueller hasn't released a statement responding to the charges of his investigation being inferior, and when asked to see his magnifying glass and detective hat, Mueller mumbled something inaudible and quickly walked away.