PALM BEACH, FL — In a new announcement sure to increase his already substantial lead in the Republican presidential primary race, former President Donald Trump promised that, if elected, he will ban Taylor Swift from football games.
Trump issued the statement in response to growing frustration among the general public about Swift's seeming ubiquitousness at NFL games, vowing to sign an executive order immediately after being sworn in that would permanently bar the music star from attending games in the future.
"It's time to make football games great again!" Trump said in a statement posted to his Truth Social account. "Under the corrupt, illegitimate Biden administration, we have witnessed the collapse of our economy, the invasion of our once great country by illegal migrants, soaring inflation, wars and instability around the world, and now the destruction of football due to the presence of Taylor 'Not-So' Swift. NO MORE! When I am elected president again, I will rid our football stadiums of the menace that is Taylor Swift and once again make NFL games safe for fans. MAGA!"
In a quick response to Trump's statement, the White House labeled the former president as a fascist authoritarian. "Mr. Trump is always looking to take away people's right to bask in the effervescent glow of Tay-Tay at all times," said an administration spokesperson. "Americans must not allow Trump to strip away this God-given right, or we will lose our democracy."
At publishing time, Trump had also vowed to sign an executive order requiring Kid Rock to play every NFL halftime show forever.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.