NEW YORK, NY — Crowds gathering in support of President Donald Trump to protest his arraignment on criminal charges were stunned to hear that Trump was preparing to enter a guilty plea but were later relieved to learn that Trump's plea only admitted his guilt in the affair with Stormy Daniels and of being an incredible lover.

"I am truly guilty, I must say," President Trump said in a statement released by his legal team. "I have to admit it. I am an amazing, wonderful, passionate, tender, and attentive lover, one of the greatest in all of human history. Many agree with me. Women all over the world could provide evidence to convict me on the charge of being the greatest lover, so I must confess. It's true. Bigly!"

This admission of guilt comes on the heels of a 34-count indictment that was handed down by Manhattan D.A. Alvin Bragg, who was not pleased by Trump's plea. "This has nothing to do with what I'm trying to charge him with!" Bragg was heard shouting to his staff behind closed doors. "This is supposed to be all about coming up with totally bogus allegations to keep him out of the 2024 presidential race. Now, instead, everyone will know how amazing he is as a lover! Get me George Soros on the phone!"

At publishing time, Trump was in conference with his team of attorneys and rumored to be preparing to enter yet another plea, this one pleading guilty to the charge of loving America more than any other human being, ever.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.