Trump Pens His First Prison Epistle To The Floridians
Politics · Apr 4, 2023 ·

NEW YORK, NY — After turning himself in to be arraigned on multiple charges in Manhattan, President Donald Trump immediately began writing his first epistle to his loyal disciples in Florida. The letter, already being dubbed "1 Floridians," is highly anticipated by its future recipients.

"We are looking forward to President Trump's letter," said Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz. "Receiving his encouragement and instruction about how we should be living in his absence will be a treasured resource for all of us while he is held prisoner."

The text, which will be separated into chapters and verses, is believed to be the first of many epistles Trump plans to send to Floridians. Scholars who have studied Trump's writings are preparing to pore over the text and break down each word to avoid mistranslation. The Babylon Bee has obtained the letter's introduction, which begins, "Trump, former and future President of the United States, to the faithful who are in Florida, grace and peace to you, bigly…"

Upon its completion, the letter will be entrusted to Trump's faithful courier, Mike Lindell, who will travel to deliver it personally. After its reception in West Palm Beach, the letter will then be copied and passed around to neighboring communities. "Spreading President Trump's good news is what it's all about," Lindell said. "Save on bed sheets with promo code 1FLORIDIANS!"

At publishing time, Trump was reportedly putting the finishing touches on the letter, closing it with, "Greet my beloved brother, Mike Lindell, with a beautiful kiss. Remember my chains. They are the most glorious, amazing chains of all time. MAGA!"

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

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