U.S. — Mere weeks after bringing about a much-heralded ceasefire between Israel and Hamas, President Donald Trump pulled off yet another historic treaty by successfully negotiating a peace deal between proponents of the contemporary service and adherents to the traditional service.
Though the conflict had transitioned into more of a "cold war" in recent years, the hostilities between attendees of the contemporary and traditional services had never shown any sign of subsiding until President Trump took office.
"He really is the ‘Peace President,'" said Jeff Larson, who has been a committed attendee of the contemporary service at First Presbyterian Church for the last 25 years. "We've been at odds with those old codgers for what seems like all of history, with their organ music and their suits and ties, always looking down on us and our style of worship. Legalism running wild, you know? Anyway… Trump showed up and said it was time for the fighting to end."
The president took credit for the peace deal but said he did it out of compassion for all those lost during the conflict. "It was time to put an end ot the bloodshed," Trump told reporters. "For far too long, our church services have been at each other's throats. It's very sad. Drums and guitars and cargo shorts on one side, suits and hymns and liturgy on the other. I took office, and I said, ‘No more killing.' Now, we finally have peace."
Sources said that the deal required the contemporary service to sing at least one hymn per service while the traditional service would allow parisioners to attend one service per month without wearing a necktie.
At publishing time, the truce had already been broken after an insurgent disguised as a traditional worshipper sneaked onto the platform and played a sick drum solo during communion.
What happens when a politically divided family sit down for a "peaceful" dinner?
