WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced this week that he was leaving office in order to take an even more powerful position as a U.S. District Court judge.
After ascending to the presidency twice in the last decade, Trump set his sights on the next rung up the political ladder, with a spot in the federal judiciary proving him with far more authority to rule the nation.
"I love being president. I'm great at it. The best our country has ever had, many people say," Trump told the press. "But after seeing how much power those U.S. District Court judges have, I've decided to resign the presidency and join the judiciary. They seem to really be able to do anything they want."
Trump announced the move after a series of sweeping rulings from judges over the last several weeks, which greatly limited the breadth of the executive branch's powers. Trump said he's been eyeing the move for a while and thinks he'd be a great fit as he's already well-versed in the legal system.
"After going through all that stuff with the corrupt courts in New York, I think I have a pretty good handle on how things work," Trump said. "There can't be that much to it. Just bang the wooden hammer thing and create your own rules and laws all the time. Some are saying I'm going to be the best District Court judge that ever lived. I didn't say it, but some have."
At publishing time, Trump decided he might also try his hand at running for Congress for when he needs to have a break and take a much-needed rest from doing any work.
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
