ATLANTA, GA — What began as a seemingly harmless visit to a local Chick-fil-A turned into a new legal quagmire for former President Donald Trump, as he was indicted today for taking more sauces than he actually needed for his order.
The news broke as Trump made headlines for his positive reception at the popular eatery, with customers and employees fawning over him as he ordered his food. A spokesperson for the Department of Justice held a press briefing to announce the indictment.
"We've got him this time," the spokesperson said. "What we saw at Chick-fil-A yesterday was yet another example of Donald Trump flouting authority, the rule of law, and democracy itself by taking an exorbitant number of sauce packets with his order. As part of society, there are certain rules regarding courtesy and human decency. Taking handful after handful of Chick-fil-A sauce is something we cannot allow. He's gone too far this time."
When asked about the latest indictment, Trump was as defiant as usual. "MORE PHONY CHARGES!" he said in a post to his Truth Social account. "SLEEPY JOE BIDEN AND HIS CORRUPT JUSTICE DEPARTMENT ARE NOW CHARGING ME WITH TAKING TOO MANY CHICK-FIL-A SAUCES. I TOOK THE CORRECT AMOUNT. THE PERFECT AMOUNT, SOME WOULD SAY. THE DEMOCRATS DON'T WANT ME TO HAVE ENOUGH SAUCE OR AMERICA TO BE GREAT AGAIN! WITCH HUNT!"
At publishing time, a source within the DOJ also reported that the government is looking into allegations that Trump double-dipped his chicken strip in a sauce cup.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
