WASHINGTON, D.C. - Nancy Pelosi is reportedly starting impeachment proceedings against President Trump. It's not clear why but at least it will be fun for all involved, which is good because the news cycle has been a little slow over the summer. We all need a good public spectacle once in a while.

But Trump is a good sport and wanted to warn the Democrats about what they're going to do: "If you impeach me now, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine," he said in an open address to his political foes. "Seriously, I will have huge power, believe me. Maybe the most power of anyone ever."

When pressed for what would happen, Trump admitted that he would probably be impeached and die but they wouldn't find a body: only a folded-up suit and his orange toupee. Then, he would appear to his replacement, Mike Pence, in visions and whisper advice. "For instance, if he were at a state dinner with a foreign diplomat and the salads come out, I'd tell him to use the fork."