WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi called the Pentagon frantically looking for the nuclear codes last week, since President Trump is obviously the unhinged one, the president looked for a more secure location to store them. He finally settled on hollowing out his Bible and keeping the nuclear launch codes in there, since Pelosi has literally never opened a Bible.
"She'll never look here," he said, smiling, as he held up his Bible. "It's the perfect plan."
Pelosi burst into the Oval Office and searched desperately for the codes, trying to pull books off bookshelves and tip over busts of Washington and Lincoln, hoping they would open a secret panel or an entrance to some kind of Trumpcave. "Where are you hiding them?!" she screamed. "Ha. Hahaha. HAHAHAHAHAH!!!"
Her eyes then went to the big Bible on Trump's desk. "No... you wouldn't! MY GREATEST WEAKNESS!!! NOOOOO!" She tried to open the Bible but was severely burned and quickly disapparated. "I'll get you one day, Trump!!!"
At publishing time, Trump had forgotten where he'd put the nuclear codes, since he never opens his Bible either.