The 45th president of the United States is a convicted felon. But what does that even mean? We consulted with American attorney Robert Shapiro to learn what's next for Donald J. Trump.
Here's what to expect:
- Fingerprinted with tiny fingerprint scanner: Because he has tiny hands.
- Granted bail prior to sentencing for the amount of "How much you got?": Convenient! That's the exact amount of everything he has!
- Given the choice of a regular cell or cell with free wifi and 6" more legroom for a $250 upgrade fee: Maybe Biden can do something about these junk prison fees.
- Workers begin to gold plate the prison bars in cell #11B: It's the only prison cell that can hold him.
- Paired up with a grizzled Mexican gangster cellmate who becomes his unlikely friend and they solve crimes together: Later, he announces Tolo Rodrigo as his running mate and they get matching teardrop tattoos.
- Learns how to make delicious toilet diet coke: Zero sugar!
- He fights Samurai as a schoolgirl and destroys a robot army on a train and fights a dragon with a B-25 before we find out it was all a dream sequence and he's been given a lobotomy the whole time: Man, gotta' watch Sucker Punch again.
- Trump given opportunity to appeal case on, oh, say November 7: Hey, wait! That's too late!
- Sentenced to be confined in the Oval Office for an additional 4 years: Obviously.
And what of his remaining days? Will Trump eventually win the appeal? Will he win the election from within prison, pardon himself and emerge from his cocoon stronger than ever? Only God knows.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
